Bugg Bytes Comedy Sample Script

TARMAC THE MAGNILOQUENT - FORECLOSURE Ed McMahon is fighting to avoid foreclosure on his multimillion-dollar Beverly Hills home, according to published reports. He was $644,000 behind on payments on $4.8 million in mortgage loans. McMahon, 85, has been unable to work as a pitchman for various products since he broke his neck 18 months ago, said his spokesman.

TTM: Yes, good morning, infidel! It is I, seer, sage, soothesayer...and former political adviser to Hillary Clinton...TARMAC, the Magniloquent!

DJ: Welcome, o' visitor from the East. Pray tell...

TTM: Look, everyone knows the premise, let's get right to the bit! AHEM! The first answer is, "Foreplay...foreclosure!"

DJ: "Foreplay...foreclosure."

TTM: Name one thing Ed McMahon is experiencing, and one he ISN'T! Ha ha ha! Hey-ooooooooooo! Ha ha ha!

DJ: I can't believe you're making jokes about your old friend.

TTM: May a diseased holy man leave a clue under your pillow! The next answer is, "Home, home on the range!" And the question is, "In what kind of appliance crate will Ed McMahon have to live after his eviction?!" Ha ha ha!

DJ: This is disgusting.

TTM: I hold in my hand the final answer! "Herrrrrreeee's Johnny!" And the question is, "How will Ed describe the bucket sitting outside his appliance crate?!" Ha ha ha! Hey-oooooooooooo! Ha ha ha! (exit laughing)

DR. PHIL - DIVORCE (Globe) - Dr. Phil makes a living dishing out advice to others - but now, he may be in need of some himself to save his own marriage - as insiders reveal he's flying into jealous rages over his wife Robin.

DP: Yeah, hey, (DJ)! Dr. Phil here! Just checking to see if you're still getting panic attacks when Barney the Purple Dinosaur comes on TV!

DJ: We'll talk about that off the air, Dr. Phil. But while we're on the subject of embarrassing life experiences, how do you feel about all those tabloid stories claiming you and your wife are headed for divorce?

DP: They don't bother me one iota! The sacred bond of marriage is still very strong between me and...uh...uh...

DJ: Robin.

DP: Robin! And that's because we know that marriage is work! It's a job! Sure, there are times when when Robin punches in, I want to punch her out, but I control those emotions!

DJ: The tabloids say you fly into jealous rages.

DP: Look, I've flown into Dallas, I've flown into Denver, but I do NOT fly into jealous rages! I DRIVE into them in my motor home! That way, I get the jealous rage and road rage out of the way at the same time!

DJ: There are also rumors that you have had affairs.

DP: Not true! Of course, I HAVE help several young ladies overcome their irrational fear of tall, naked, bald men, but it was all therapeutic!

DJ: For whom?

DP: Careful, (DJ), or you'll force me to say, "I love you, you love me, we're a great big family! With a great big hug..." (you scream & cut him off)

EXTRA JOKES

Barrack Obama tried to call Hillary Clinton twice following his speech Tuesday night, but got her voicemail. She finally returned the call as his plane was about to fly out of St. Paul to Washington.

*So much for her answering that telephone call at 3AM!

Red wine may be much more potent than was thought in extending human lifespan, researchers say in a new report. The study is based on dosing mice with resveratrol, an ingredient of some red wines.

*The mice not only lived longer, but they also began moisturizing!

Scientists are challenging the myth that inbreeding always leads to unhealthy babies. The highly contentious, often-tabooed practice has in the past been linked to deformities such as heart disease, mental retardation, deafness and even blindness. But Professor Alan Bittles, who has spent 30 years researching the topic says most children born to first-cousins are healthy.

*Dick Cheney says that West Virginia family reunions will never be the same!

Long-term heavy use of marijuana may cause two important brain structures to shrink. Brain scans showed the hippocampus and amygdala were smaller in men who were heavy marijuana users compared to nonusers. The amygdala plays a critical role in fear and aggression,while the hippocampus regulates memory and emotion.

*Well, first of all, I don't think that...uh...this study proves...uh...(pause) I forgot what I was going to say! Anybody else hungry?!