This is the actual material our affiliates received MONDAY, AUGUST 24th, 2009

 

SEAN CONNERY – HUMP DAY  Wednesday is the most miserable day of the week, claim researchers. Professors at Vermont University analyzed words used in 2.4 million internet blogs such as Twitter, giving a score out of nine depending on how positive they were. Saturday and Sunday rated predictably well, however by Wednesday, these feelings had subsided.

 

SC: Yes, good morning, (DJ), you sniveling milquetoast! This is Sir Sean Connery!

 

DJ: Wow, Sir Sean, this is a treat! To what do I owe the honor?

 

SC: Interesting...that's the same thing your mother said to me last night! Actually, I'm calling to promote the new charity I've become associate with! It's called, “Make Monday More Miserable!”

 

DJ: “Make Monday More Miserable?”

 

SC: Yes, Monday has lost out to Wednesday as the most miserable day of the week! Our charity is working to reverse that!

 

DJ: Why is Wednesday so miserable?

 

SC: I dunno! You'd think everyone would be happy about a day called “Hump Day!” Well, assuming you're not a bell ringer with a bad case of Osteoporosis!

 

DJ: So, what can we do to help Monday regain it's title as the most miserable day?

 

SC: I'm glad you asked! Just show up every Monday and do your normal show, that will help the misery index quite a bit! As for others, they should schedule all root canals, drivers license renewals and other unpleasant tasks for Mondays only! Oh, and by the way, your mother wants you to come visit her! Yeah, she said any Monday would be fine! HA HA HA! Anyway, I want to thank you, (DJ)...for making my Monday quite miserable! Good job! So long, sissy boy!

 

 

KERMIT THE FROG – NOISE  Traffic noise could be ruining the sex lives of urban frogs by drowning out the seductive croaks of amorous males, an Australian researcher said Friday. A well-projected and energetic croak is the male frog's most important asset in the quest to attract mates to his pond, Melbourne University ecologist Kirsten Parris said. "If there are a number of different males calling, the one that sounds the best often gets the girl," Parris told The Associated Press. "You have to be pretty clear about your assets if you're a male frog."

 

DJ: Kind of gives new meaning to the term “horny toad,” doesn't it? Good morning, (LOGO)?

 

KTF: Hi, everybody! It's Kermit the Frog! YAAAAAAAAY!

 

DJ: How fortuitous that you called, Kermit. We were just talking about how traffic noise is ruining the love life of frogs.

 

KTF: OH! That is SO true! In my case, it's been so long, I might as well have one of those “purity rings” on my flipper!

 

DJ: So, is it true that the traffic noise drowns out the frogs' mating calls?

 

KTF: Yes, it's true! There's so much tire noise because most of them are under-inflated! If people don't start inflating their tires, I'm going to have to start inflating a girlfriend!

 

DJ: Hey, can you give us an example of a frog's mating call?

 

KTF: Nah, I don't want your station overrun with amphibians! Well, maybe YOU do, but you'll spend a long time and a small fortune getting rid of the warts! Besides, MY mating call is different than other frogs'!

 

DJ: Come on, give us an example of your mating call.

 

KTF: Well...okay! Whenever I'm in the mood for love, this is what I do! AHEM! Soooo-EE! Pig, pig, pig! Soooo-EE! And now, I think you'd better alert your security to watch out for a large “person” in a tiara with a rose clamped in her teeth! BYE, (DJ)! And good luck!

 

 

EXTRA JOKES

 

(AP) - The wife of former North Carolina Senator and presidential candidate John Edwards has opened a furniture store. Media outlets report that Elizabeth Edwards opened the store called Red Window in downtown Chapel Hill on Saturday.

 

  *Her husband John was at the opening, but she refused to let him any where near her drawers!

 

 

McCain: Obama Doing What I Would Do on Battlefields. John McCain told an interviewer he has no quarrel with how President Obama is prosecuting the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq.

 

  *Maybe it was Obama's proposal to draft Sarah Palin and send her to front lines with a hunting rifle!

 

 

A leafy New Jersey suburb will soon turn into a seething oasis of outrage when Libyan President Moammar Khadafy plops down a large, air-conditioned tent in the middle of town next month while here for a UN General Assembly meeting. The home in Englewood, NJ, is  owned by the Libyan Mission to the United Nations.

 

 *His New Jersey neighbors vow to entertain the terrorist while he's here...starting with sending around a couple of Sopranos!

 

 

QUINCY, Mass. – A woman was arrested after admitting to police that she hid 19 bags of crack cocaine in her bra. She was charged with possession of crack cocaine with intent to distribute.

 

 *Police in Nashville immediately arrested Dolly Parton on suspicion of major drug trafficking on a global scale!